I can honestly say that in all of my past relationships -- I never hit a woman. Not that I should wear it as a badge of honor, but I've never even thought about attempting it...

(Well, except for that time about ten years ago when I found out my girlfriend Carla had hooked up with a sorry, toothless thug because he offered to buy her a '96 Acura Integra. The fact that a grown woman would ruin a relationship and sell herself for a material possession was pure stupidity to me. That incident empowered me to make better choices about the women I dated.)

But I never hit her.

Unfortunately, a lot of Black men cannot say the same. Men who may have psychological, emotional, or even egomaniacal problems may find it more difficult to participate in relationships without wanting to physically control their partners. Male inflicted relationship abuse consists of patterns of abusive and coercive behaviors that are used to maintain power and control over women. Despite the fact that some abusers will tell you how they have been provoked or infuriated by a woman -- there is never a good reason to strike her.

Some misinformed men (and women) believe that a woman in a physically abusive relationship who antagonizes a batterer, is asking to be abused. This is totally false. Abused women who challenge their abusers are simply responding to the cycle of physical abuse and have no idea when it will start again. Will he get drunk and hit her? Will he be upset after a rough day on the job? Will be go ballistic when he sees the way she cleaned the house? The anxiety of not knowing when she will be physically hurt again, oftentimes causes a woman to force the battering process. This way, she can predict when a beating will occur and expect a 'safe' period immediately afterward. That is -- until the next time he gets upset.

According to a National Violence Against Women survey, 22 percent of women are physically assaulted by a partner or date during their lifetime and nearly 5.3 million partner victimizations occur each year among U.S. women ages 18 and older, resulting in two million injuries and 1,300 deaths.

Sadly enough, some emotionally scarred women consistently seek out abusive men, or the same men who physically assaulted them in previous relationships. This is commonly referred to as the "Battered Women's Syndrome," and social psychologists have been debating its existence for years. When women live in helpless conditions that affect self-esteem and self-worth, they may feel deserving of ridicule and physical assault. Some women even consider it a form of attention, something they crave emotionally -- but receive in the most harmful way. This recurring chain of events makes it difficult to walk away and confuses loved ones who watch helplessly.

To believe that she can somehow be safe from a man who tells her he loves her and then beats her, is very difficult to comprehend. It often creates a vicious cycle where women may find the strength to leave, but often return.

Men who abuse women may think they are powerful and manipulative, but abusive individuals are often lacking in their own self-esteem and depend on their partners for support. Abusers often feel powerless in the real world, so attacking or belittling their partners is their only sense of strength. These are the types of men I have no compassion for. The lack of self-discipline and the absence of morality is astounding and I wish more of these guys sought professional help for their shortcomings.

Though most major cultures in our world today have tolerated men beating women under certain conditions, this process is no longer accepted and no woman should ever be subjected to it. Not just physical abuse, but mental abuse as well.

If you are a man who has control issues and has physically attacked a woman at any point in your life -- get help. There is no way to justify your actions and there are several resources designed to help. No one should feel embarrassed about seeking professional help and psychiatrists in your area are available to talk. For more information, contact:

APA Answer Center
American Psychiatric Association
1000 Wilson Boulevard, Suite 1825
Arlington, VA 22209

Call Toll-Free: 1-888-35-PSYCH
From outside the U.S. and Canada call: 1-703-907-7300
Email: apa@psych.org

If you are a woman who is frightened and needs advice about a violent relationship, or if you know a woman in need -- help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).