No one will debate the fact that relationships between Black men and women need repair. Black women are finding it more difficult to trust men and occasionally spend too much time protecting their hearts instead of loving freely. Some Black men seem to childishly focus on the "divide and conquer" mind-set and often fail to understand where they are in the life-growth process.

We can dissect the failures and miscues on both sides, but when observing Black relationships in America, one trend is evident -- we spend a disproportionate amount of time fixated on the desires of women and it causes a brighter light to shine on the failures of men.

Our society does a good job of pinpointing the inadequacies and deficiencies of African-American men, and regularly blames them for the social breakdowns between our couples. Over the decades, this fact has painted an unattractive picture for women and placed doubts in the minds of men. Too many African-American men are starting to believe that they have nothing of substance or significance to offer a Black woman. If media and society say we're doomed -- then we must be doomed.

Women are continually fed the unfavorable results of the state of Black men. They are further told by friends, family, and strangers that finding a decent man is difficult. So difficult, in fact - that many Black women do not expect to find a reputable man. Instead, they may begin to believe that a lying, cheating man is the norm and settle for such. Tales of destructive behavior and irresponsibility may sell books, but it doesn't promote a positive image of Black men and it certainly doesn't offer any practical guidance for women.

According to psychological studies conducted by the National Institutes of Health and The National Children's Study -- data supports the idea that when consistent, negative labels are applied to an entity (such as Black men), it can trigger persisting negative psychological feelings about that entity. When we tell our girls and young women that Black men are worthless -- they start to believe it.

Imagine if women's magazines, movies, and self-help guides focused on Black men who possess the most desirable qualities. Instead of preaching about how the world is full of thugs and pimps with unappealing traits, young girls who are just starting to date are shown what real fathers, real boyfriends, and real brothers are like. We would give examples of strong-minded men and surround our young people with them. We would expose men of intelligence, integrity and spiritual prosperity as role models. The results would be an empowering image of the African-American male. Girls who mature into young women would spend their time focusing on worthy men, and less time fending off unworthy ones.

For men of substance, finding a good woman is not just a challenge -- it's mandatory. This is especially true for men who have discovered the meaning of manhood and hold themselves to a higher standard. Those standards don't imply perfection, or represent financial and material wealth. Rather - they embody honesty, integrity, responsibility and a strong spiritual foundation. This kind of man has no problems getting attention. His confidence and bold attitude radiates through a room and it's clearly heard in his voice when he speaks.

However, these men are in direct competition with an image they didn't help create. The image is a shadowy figure made of deadbeat dads, promiscuous womanizers, batterers, the spiritually disconnected, and the unfortunate misguided. As women become more and more frustrated with what they perceive as an endless list of corrupt Black men -- the most impressive of men go unnoticed. A simple change in focus will help alleviate the unhealthy addiction we have with observing things that are wrong. A better alternative is to concentrate on the elements that are right.

We can do this by shifting the focus from unsuitable men, to more suitable ones. We should find ways to promote Black men of good character who are well-grounded, respectable, and fully prepared to commit their lives to a good woman. All of the movies and books dedicated to showing women how to spot a cheat, should be rewritten into directions on how to spot a success. An understanding of this by both men and women will help break the cycle of negativity.

When we focus on crime, we find ways to defend ourselves. When we focus on death, we try to think of ways to prevent it. When society consistently focuses on the wrong men, fear pushes women to search for ways to protect themselves. Such energies are better applied to the discovery of higher quality men who exist in the same numbers as lesser quality men.

Black women need not worry about the happenings of unsatisfactory men -- no more than we need to spend our lives anguishing over crime and hatred. Each of these will continue to exist for as long as the world sustains life. Though some women continue to believe that there are more bad men than good -- finding a quality Black man is not an insurmountable task. It only requires a change in focus.