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Forum Start > The University Cafe > Anything And Everything > I'm just not feelin black women
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tiffanyb4rmcali
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I'm not mad at you for having ur opinon Brian07. I am a young black woman and it hurts to say this but your right about the majority of women dating the "thuggish"black man vs. the "educated" black man. My thing with your statement is that your leaving out what the educated black man is normally looking for. Typically you and me would probably never cross paths and if we did we wouldn't necessarily exchange words. I'm not saying that it has anything to do with apperance because i don't know what you are physical attracted to, however socially an educated black man and an average black woman will not even think twice about each other. Typically, I feel, so one like you would be out of my league. I am not uneducated but I haven't completed my B.A. , I work a very reliable job but I would more than like view you as more "elite" than I am. I still live in the "hood" and my social calendar, unfortunately, does not include a Saturday afternoon at the country club.So where do we meet...we don't...that's what leads me back to where I am from, which I love and always will, the "hood". Where the thugs and "nappy" headed men live and are attracted to me and my strong hard working motherly(but not really a mother) qualities. And you can't hit me with the get out the hoodand find him quote because I take 2 vacations a year outside of Southern California. I just would like to say that I would love to be with a "eduacted" black brotha, but the question is would he love to be with an average sista like me.
1/9/2009 13:24 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
TT4kev189
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Excellent comment by Markydcole. You must always be respectful else you immediately become part of the problem. Everyone on this forum agrees to what you have witnessed. But the perception that you gave didn't sound as if you were focused on a valid and positive solution. It came across as "calling our "sistas" out" and although exposing problems is good, it is only good when the intent was to seek for a solution.

2/8/2009 10:15 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Superfantastique
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Point well taken tiffanyb4rmcali, you are right we never cross paths or run in the same social circles. As an "educated black man" who works full time while working on a masters degree full time, there is rarely the opportunity just to meet a sista for dating. Personally, I work from 7am til 3pm, and then I'm on campus from 4pm til 10pm 5 days a week. And weekends are spent in the lab working. And I'll admit, I was a little ticked off that it appeared to me that my values as a hard working black man trying to make it in a world generally not friendly to black men, seem less of worth to black women around here in Nor Cal.

Now, I'm not knocking black women. In fact I have a very strong role model growing up: My mom was a single mother, and she thinks she raised one hell of a son...and she's right about that. So, I love my black sistas, and personally dont care about how educated or not a woman is. Just as long as she cool, kind, and confident. However, that still does not absolve the fact that if a black man is a straight shooter: works hard, educates himself, is fiscally responsible, builds good credit, is productive - all the things to function as a reasonably competent adult in America - he will have a harder time dating than the brothers who can barely take care of themselves. And that's a fact. Has nothing to do with "game" or whatever. Whether we are considered "elite", or just don't fit the mold, it doesn't matter, the fact is, we fall somewhere on the bottom of the list as suitable dates and mates. Why is that?

So what do we do? Here is a scenario: Maybe there's that cutie middle eastern chick in class throwing out signals like an air traffic controller. We get down with her, and now we're sellouts too. I playfully call this the "feast or famine scenario". Its not an easy place to be, let me tell you. The dilemma remains how do we as black people have a range of dating options that seem to be automatic with all other peoples of this country? Why are we men so invisible to black women that Oprah gets on TV and proclaims that there is a black male shortage? How do we as black men and women find each other, educated or not and work together as strong units to lift each other, care fore each other, and love each other? If this thread does anything, I should start with those questions....
2/13/2009 02:59 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
doneit
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Why do black women choose the thugs? If any of you actually want to know the truth there are two Bibles, King James and The Prince. If you were to read the Prince, you'd find women love men that treat them rougher in bed. Another source is the father of romantic idealism. Rossuea stated, "The thinking man is a depraved animal.' Notice a gentleman will tell a woman he will treat like a queen. Whereas a thug will make her feel like a queen. When love variety and erotocism.
7/24/2009 18:28 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
passmeashovel
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Superfantastique,
Why do you feel that black women won't appreciate an educated, responsible black man? Has this happened with you before?
I don't necessarily think it's an issue of being visible or not, but I do feel that as tiffanyb was pointing out, that the pool of educated black males display an air of arrogance and standoffishness (I may have made that word up) toward black women. Don't get me wrong, I do want a guy with a bit of swag (meaning, I want him to have confidence, and a little bit of a "take charge" kind of attitude), but swag and education aren't mutually exclusive. Wanting a bit of a take charge kind of guy, by far, doesn't mean I wan't a thug.
"How do we as black men and women find each other, educated or not and work together as strong units to lift each other, care fore each other, and love each other?"

I think it is going to take a lot of open dialogue. Maybe perceptions are all mixed up.

So what is it about black women that makes you say you're done with them?
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7/27/2009 22:14 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
doneit
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That's the problem with black women, I can substantiate my statements with two leading authorites and a black woman will simply give her uninformed opinion. Rossuea and Machivelli. The entire world acknowledge these men. One is the father of romantic idealism and the other is the father of political science and business administration.

Both of these men asserts that women prefer jerks and thugs over intelligent, sophisticated men because, jerks and thugs tend to treat women rougher, especially in the bedroom, rougher than an intelligent gentleman.

As a matter of fact, there have been an untold number of articles written as to why women prefer jerks. Why is so much written on the subject if women didn't prefer jerks over gentlmen, huh? Then, it all comes down to a woman think she will be able to change a jerk and wind up being dumped or used by that same jerk.

Your question about whether it has happened to me is idiotic and a females attempt to put a man on the defensive like you're living in a vacuum and have not been exposed to life. Maybe, just maybe if you were to open that fence and come out of your yard, you'd find plenty of literature addressing the subject why women prefer jerks.
8/1/2009 15:14 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Superfantastique
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Hi passmeashovel,
Welcome to the discussion...I appreciate your feedback. First off, I love my sistas...always have, and always will. A few things you are dead right on, but there are one or two I'm gonna nail you on. I agree with your opinion that there needs to be a lot of dialogue. However, not all of us are arrogant. Yes, a few of us get out of hand, and give the rest a bad rap. Can't help them much. Maybe its a self esteem issue. I dunno...they're in the minority.

You are also right, education and confidence are not mutually exclusive. Many black professionals DO have confidence and take charge attitude. How do you think many of us get through college while working full time? I sure ain't easy. For example, I put myself through college working at night unloading trucks trucks by hand at Target. We are proud of our accomplishments, and after experiences like that, many of us have no confidence issues, we got plenty of it.

The issue of "swagga" is a loaded one, because it has already been defined by current black pop culture. I think swag is the total package: Confidence, Intelligence, Physical Presence, Humor, and the convincing attitude that we can "lay pipe". Being educated and having all of those are not mutually exclusive either and for the many of us it isn't mutually exclusive. Lets face it, the fact is "swag" is defined by only to of the above items, and you know which two. Furthermore, many black men and women buy into that, big time: many men think that's how they have to be, many women think that's how men should be, and some men think that if they are not that way, then they are not worthwhile. Some women think that if a man is not that, then he's not worthwhile. To me, its all complete bullsh*t. All of it. When will we think for ourselves and make our own rules and definitions? Never? Jeez....

Finally, on a personal note of my experience, yes, I find "invisibility" troubling, since I'm not a superhero and have no need for it. In my field, I am one of two black folks in the entire building! The other person is the front security guard. And on top of this, I'm the only 1 of 2 black people in my Masters program...the other person is a dude too. So yes, when 13 hours a day 5 days a week I interact with virtually no black women, I'm already at a disadvantage in the dating game. No fault here, its just the cards I'm dealt. My option these days are clubs and bars on a Saturday night. Between the "why you talk proper" and sausage factory atmosphere, it usually a freaking disaster of a night. One bar had a bunch of dudes on the dance floor and hardly any women. Silliness....
And contrary to what one friend suggested, I will not start going to church just to "bag them chicks". Silliness again...
So it seems to me that the average sista is out of reach, or maybe its the other way around, because of and in spite of my personal ambitions.

So the point of all of this is to illustrate that there are a lot of misconceptions between the sexes in the black community that can and has turned ugly with some saying black women are "this and that", and black men are either "this or that". And its painfully clear from the this discussion thread. However, the dialogue that should be happening should be constructive, with each of our opinions respected, considered, debated, because there is a bit of truth to all our opinions. And maybe for some of us, this discussion will create pathways for solutions or resolutions.
8/3/2009 02:22 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Alvena
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Not all single black women that are mothers should be lumped into the same group. Not all single black women should be presumed to be the same in their sociological makeup. I understand the frustrations that men encounter dealing with women. But whether she is single with or without children, if she is going to place herself in the dating arena, she must know who she is as a person and have a sense of self worth and esteem, she cannot be seeking a man to pay the bills and raise her kids, she cannot insist on viewing all men based upon her relationship experience so far, and she must understand that as a single mom, her children are her foremost priority and her life choices must be filtered through the question of "how will her decisions impact them?"

All good relationships whether platonic or romantic must be placed upon a foundation of mutual respect, trust, honesty, and an understanding that selfishness and immaturity make painful life partners!

The best advice that I can give anyone is to study those people that are in SUCCESSFUL relationships and seek their advice on just what makes up the elements of the labor of love that maintaining the bond are. Don't rush into anything with anyone regardless of where their relationship origins are, but concentrate on where they are headed. I say this because the past is the past and we all need to learn not to rob ourselves of good, strong present day relationships by looking bac over our shoulders at what is now gone. Don't stereotype anyone or enter in with preconceived notions about anyone. Simply keep things real, open and upfront and apply WISDOM to how you deal with all people. With time and knowing how to engage in the right communications about what's important to you in a relationship, people eventually will reveal who they really are. And when they do.... believe them. If she/he is not a good match for you.... keep it moving. If you find a person to be compatible but has some things to work out, give them space to do so without compromising your own happiness or loosing your sense of self. And if children are part of a person's life, please always remember that they are the innocent ones and they are all blessings regardless of the circumstances of thier births or the state of their parents' lives!
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Alvena

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11/6/2010 18:07 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Forum Start > The University Cafe > Anything And Everything > I'm just not feelin black women
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