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ms.lee
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Registered: 12/27/2006    Warnings: 0
Am I too demanding/critical?
hi all, i really need some feedback from some brothas! I just finished reading this article 10 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships (http://www.mybrotha.com/top-ten-mistakes2.asp)

#7 reads:
--------------
7. Complacency.
If you are not exactly where you want to be in your life (financially, academically, or spiritually) -- it's okay. Women tend to focus more on the future, so you shouldn't worry about having the world in your palm when you first meet.

Over time, most women will expect to see some progress and eventually some results. Try not to sit idle as life passes you by. Even if you're not the biggest fish in the pond, being tenacious and goal-oriented is all any woman could ask for. If she's asking for more, you might want to reconsider who you're with.
--------------

My question is, how do I know when your asking for too much from your man? And how do I know when he's just not trying hard enough? And when he's not, but he thinks he is... is he lying to me or is he just blind to the reality of the his efforts or his need to change his approach? And most of all how do can we fix it?

The nuts and bolts of it are, me and my man of 2 1/2 have never really planned or budgeted together. BUT make no mistake I've always been trying to get it to be a group effort! I am and always have been the breadwinner and he's been unemployed for the majority of our relationship. He's always looking for a job and really trying but when he does land something he only wants to work part-time and still won't sit down with me and budget. The last time he had a job, I was eager to talk about making a house budget where we fairly shared the bills and responsibilities of the home. But he argued that I was being too fast and should just wait awhile for him to actually get some checks so he could see how much he was regularly bringing home. I got off his back and he never come to me with a dime or asking to finally talk about our budget. Then after about 4 months he got fired.

I pay for all our house bills and that's not what I expected for our relationship. Sure I make enough to pay for everything but I have other bills too and am really check to check since he's not helping out. I also have to stay on him about keeping the house clean, which is he agreed to take on while we wasn't working but he doesn't ever make dinner when I ask and our QT is lacking since he spends time "looking for work" even in the evenings, looking on myspace, having people over, and/or working on his poetry.

I was off from work for like 5 days for the holidays and just stayed at home and he spends some time online in the mornings but then thru the day he has people over, offers to help neighbors paint and crap like that, and spends time on the phone. HE hasn't even cleaned up since he's been out of work (about 9 weeks) because I've been nagging him and all.

But that's why in my mind he's always out of work because he doesn't look everywhere just craigslist and when he does get a job he only works like 22 hours a week. I know he could try harder cause I've dated other guys and them working has never been a problem.

Anyways, so I've asked him to move out. He's now going to live with a friend and his family. I really want this time apart so I can focus on my goals and such without thinking critically of him and want for him to be in a different environment where he doesn't feel my critical eye so I can see what he makes of himself.

I do love him but I think love is also about making sacrifices and comprise for the happiness of all not just one of us. Is it too much to expect?


__________________
peace,
ms.lee
12/27/2006 12:35 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
VickanS
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Posts: 205
Location: Texas
Registered: 1/16/2006      Warnings: 0

Quote:
Anyways, so I've asked him to move out.


Probably the best thing you could have done!

You seem to be in a classic situation many sistas find themselves these days. But I will tell you from decades of experience (and the fact that Im a brotha myself!), that ANY black man who sincerely wants to work and support a family and himself, WILL find a way to remain employed. I know how hard it is out there to look for jobs you want and to keep them. But too many hardheaded brothas are only worried about "today". They are not thinking about tomorrow and the future. Too many of these young brothas are worried about looking good, feeling good, and not facing their fears.... but they want the world in their palms!


Quote:
He's always looking for a job and really trying but when he does land something he only wants to work part-time and still won't sit down with me and budget.


This looks like a case of "independent sista makes too much money". A lot of brothas will tell you that it doesnt bother them when it does. Any man that will sit in your house, eat your food, stay umemployed, and allow you to pay alll the bills, is a few steps short of realizing what REAL men need to be. Im not saying he should try to become Donald Trump but there arent to many excuses for staying out of a job.

In my opinion, there is something he is fearful of. Maybe he is worried about his abilities, or whether or not he measures up in his chosen career field. A lot of black men haven't reached their full potential (financially, emotionally) and find themselves struggling to stay above water. What a lot of these young brothas dont realize is they need to get themselves straight before starting relationships with women who already have themselves together.

So nope.... I dont think you are expecting too much. Actually if more sistas did what you did, they would probably save thousands of dollars, get rid of the drama and headaches, be less stressed, and have their lives opened up and ready to receive a true man who has got himself together.
12/29/2006 08:45 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
TheRealDeal4Sho'
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Posts: 21
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Registered: 1/19/2008      Warnings: 0
WHAT Is It You're In LOVE With ....
I don't understand your situation because you allowed someone to move into your HOME, and he's on and off - temporarily employed, at his convenience. WRONG ANSWER.

Why have you settled for less and playing house with someone who's not committed to you.

MEN should have a NEED to be a PROVIDER as well as the PROTECTOR for his family, but you put the cart before the horse with your DRAMA.

He spends lots of time online doing what ..... selecting the next female he can use and bum off. What do you think he's doing on myspace and having peeps in YOUR home when you're not there - WHAT DO YOU THINK CAUSED YOU TO COME ONLINE AND ASK QUESTIONS, maybe it's your Women's Intuition trying to warn you to move on.

What is it you're in LOVE with, or is it lust?

You refer to 'our' budget in your EMail, but he doesn't have a budget - it's on you to pay the bills because you're the breadwinner, so why should he work when he knows he has you wrapped around his finger (I wanted to say something else, but I don't think it would've been allowed).

He works when he desires and he's been fired how many times - WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU ABOUT THE LIKELIHOOD OF THIS HAPPENING IN THE FUTURE, you accepted and allowed it ..... so what are you complaining about.

You should've put him out long ago - then again, maybe if you got to know him first before you were sexually active with him I think you would've saved yourself alot of headaches because you would've seen his true colors.

Think LOGICALLY first before wearing your emotions on your sleeve.





ms.lee wrote:
hi all, i really need some feedback from some brothas! I just finished reading this article 10 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships (http://www.mybrotha.com/top-ten-mistakes2.asp)

#7 reads:
--------------
7. Complacency.
If you are not exactly where you want to be in your life (financially, academically, or spiritually) -- it's okay. Women tend to focus more on the future, so you shouldn't worry about having the world in your palm when you first meet.

Over time, most women will expect to see some progress and eventually some results. Try not to sit idle as life passes you by. Even if you're not the biggest fish in the pond, being tenacious and goal-oriented is all any woman could ask for. If she's asking for more, you might want to reconsider who you're with.
--------------

My question is, how do I know when your asking for too much from your man? And how do I know when he's just not trying hard enough? And when he's not, but he thinks he is... is he lying to me or is he just blind to the reality of the his efforts or his need to change his approach? And most of all how do can we fix it?

The nuts and bolts of it are, me and my man of 2 1/2 have never really planned or budgeted together. BUT make no mistake I've always been trying to get it to be a group effort! I am and always have been the breadwinner and he's been unemployed for the majority of our relationship. He's always looking for a job and really trying but when he does land something he only wants to work part-time and still won't sit down with me and budget. The last time he had a job, I was eager to talk about making a house budget where we fairly shared the bills and responsibilities of the home. But he argued that I was being too fast and should just wait awhile for him to actually get some checks so he could see how much he was regularly bringing home. I got off his back and he never come to me with a dime or asking to finally talk about our budget. Then after about 4 months he got fired.

I pay for all our house bills and that's not what I expected for our relationship. Sure I make enough to pay for everything but I have other bills too and am really check to check since he's not helping out. I also have to stay on him about keeping the house clean, which is he agreed to take on while we wasn't working but he doesn't ever make dinner when I ask and our QT is lacking since he spends time "looking for work" even in the evenings, looking on myspace, having people over, and/or working on his poetry.

I was off from work for like 5 days for the holidays and just stayed at home and he spends some time online in the mornings but then thru the day he has people over, offers to help neighbors paint and crap like that, and spends time on the phone. HE hasn't even cleaned up since he's been out of work (about 9 weeks) because I've been nagging him and all.

But that's why in my mind he's always out of work because he doesn't look everywhere just craigslist and when he does get a job he only works like 22 hours a week. I know he could try harder cause I've dated other guys and them working has never been a problem.

Anyways, so I've asked him to move out. He's now going to live with a friend and his family. I really want this time apart so I can focus on my goals and such without thinking critically of him and want for him to be in a different environment where he doesn't feel my critical eye so I can see what he makes of himself.

I do love him but I think love is also about making sacrifices and comprise for the happiness of all not just one of us. Is it too much to expect?




__________________
We Still Have Ourselves To Deal With At The End Of The Day.
5/25/2008 17:22 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
GTOWN_REPRESENTA
New Member


 

Posts: 2
Location: 
Registered: 11/4/2008      Warnings: 0

TheRealDeal4Sho' wrote:
I don't understand your situation because you allowed someone to move into your HOME, and he's on and off - temporarily employed, at his convenience. WRONG ANSWER.

Why have you settled for less and playing house with someone who's not committed to you.

MEN should have a NEED to be a PROVIDER as well as the PROTECTOR for his family, but you put the cart before the horse with your DRAMA.

He spends lots of time online doing what ..... selecting the next female he can use and bum off. What do you think he's doing on myspace and having peeps in YOUR home when you're not there - WHAT DO YOU THINK CAUSED YOU TO COME ONLINE AND ASK QUESTIONS, maybe it's your Women's Intuition trying to warn you to move on.

What is it you're in LOVE with, or is it lust?

You refer to 'our' budget in your EMail, but he doesn't have a budget - it's on you to pay the bills because you're the breadwinner, so why should he work when he knows he has you wrapped around his finger (I wanted to say something else, but I don't think it would've been allowed).

He works when he desires and he's been fired how many times - WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU ABOUT THE LIKELIHOOD OF THIS HAPPENING IN THE FUTURE, you accepted and allowed it ..... so what are you complaining about.

You should've put him out long ago - then again, maybe if you got to know him first before you were sexually active with him I think you would've saved yourself alot of headaches because you would've seen his true colors.

Think LOGICALLY first before wearing your emotions on your sleeve.







i think this was less a case of her laying down with him prematurely and more a case of her ignoring the signs, something alot of us do when we don't want to admit the truth. as a man, i couldn't in good conscience sit around the house while my gf/wife brought home the bacon. it would make me feel like less of a man. sorry to tell you, but you're dealing with a lil' boy. it's one thing if he needs encouragement to reach his full potential, but he's completely stagnant and there's nothing you can do about it. if he's gonna change that's something he's gonna have to do because that's what he wants to do it.

11/5/2008 01:38 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Forum Start > Relationships > Couples And Marriage > Am I too demanding/critical?

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