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ecjr23
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Need some solid advice
I am in love with a woman that has been a major part of my life for the last 6yrs. Five of those years we were engaged to be married and living together. I never cheated on her; but she felt that at one point I did. The problem is whenever I have contact with a female that she do not know, the has to be something going on. But when she has contact with another man, it's all innocent. We seperated when she allowed another man to call our home; at first she lied about it, then she told me the truth on how they met. She said that she just talked to him to get a man's opinion on issues that she felt we were having. I told her that this guy really do not care about what is going on between us, he knows that by him calling our home is going to cause friction between us. And that he only wants to drive a wedge beteen us, so that he canuse her. Well, that all came true. When I got tired of the constant arguing about this guy, I moved out to clear my head. They ended up getting a place together; this is when she realized that he was using her to support him. We tried to get our relationship back on track and then she decided to move to Vegas last year around this time. We kept in touch all last year; at on point she asked me about getting back together and finally getting married. I was all for it, until one day last November she tells me that she is engaged to an African guy, that she has been friends with for the 2yrs or so. I told her that if that is what she wants to do I hope that things works out for her. But also I do not want her to contact me ever again. Well, a couple of weeks ago she calls me to tell me that she is still very much in love with me; she knows that I am the only man that ever showed her true love; she felt pressured into getting married to this African guy; and she really do not want to remain married to him. I have told her that she needs to end the marriage, especially if there is no love for him. But she told me that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or his family's either. She also said that she wants to give him a chance. I'll admit I am not a perfect man; but I have never disrespected her in any way. We have been through the miscarriage of our twins back in '99, I have gave her $500 to help her out of a financial bind while she was with the first guy. We laughed together, cried together. She still shows how concerned she is regarding my mom's recovery from a severe stroke last summer. I need good advice on how to proceed with this. What should I do?
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
4/13/2006 03:53 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
hmurchison
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First off let me state that I think it's wonderful that you've elicited some advice on this. It's sometimes good to bounce some things people for suggestions. Here are mine.

1. I've just found a compatible soulmate and we've going to celebrate our 2yr anniversary this summer. I know she's the one because the world is far more of a peaceful place with her in my life. If you do not have this sense of tranquility in your relationship with the woman then keep her as a close friend and go find your soulmate.

2. If you decide that she is worth the effort then by all means request that she accompany you to counseling. I know that sounds bad but the truth is she has some trust issues and those issues are not going to go away until she stops guarding herself. It's obvious that she is very worried about your fidelity and this could be based on her fears that you are doing the same thing she is. That is ...fear of being lonely so she fills the void with men she doesn't love when you aren't. I've been there before.


Decided if she loves your are is just afraid of being alone. Realize that if you are a good and monogamous then you deserve a good woman and that woman deserves a good man.
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4/13/2006 07:57 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Aroob
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The first mistake was both of you having friends neither knew about it. Her "friend" calling the home is irrelevant, but showed a lack of respect on both ends.

If you decide to take her back, will you be strong enough to never remind her of her mistakes and completely trust her? Have you forgiven her? I’m still concerned about my ex-husband’s mother and still have a positive relationship with her, but have been happily married to my current husband for seven years.

Write down all the reasons you feel you should and shouldn’t take her back. Overall, does she bring out your best or drain you? Why were you engaged for so long, since you knew she was the woman for you? What kept you from making that commitment?
4/13/2006 08:20 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
VickanS
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Well, I think the most important part of what you said ecjr23, is that, "I am in love with a woman." If you truly love this woman and feel that she truly loves you, then it's worth fighting for -- to a point.

Similar to what hmurchison said, she seems like the type of woman who has issues with jealousy, trust, and infidelity. Not a huge problem, since many people do. But when she feels (or thinks she sees) infidelity creeping up on her, she runs away from it and seeks comfort in someone else. Unfortunately, she's finding out that those other men are not the men she loves.

As a result of her own personality, she doesn't seem comfortable with trust. To her, a "new" man seems easier to deal with because he doesn't have a history with her; she hasn't had to develop trust in him yet; and it's difficult for him to hurt her since she doesn't really know him. Plus, women tend to seek comfort in men like this because they are only there for the moment.

Since you both have a long history together, you are the one individual who can hurt her the most (ie. with your infidelity, with your words, with anything)... and that scares her.

It's a tough situation, and I've been there before. If at all possible, sit and talk to each other - openly and honestly and lay it all out on the table. Not saying you haven't done this before, but there is hardly ever a time when you can talk "too much", about getting your relationship on track.

If she's up to it, suggest counseling. Most jobs health benefits cover some type of therapy for employees and their significant others. If not through work, maybe you both can pay for two sessions and determine if you need to return for future visits.
4/13/2006 08:40 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Jack
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Of course this is in the past, but one of the biggest mistakes that couples make, is living together outside of wedlock, and expect for God to Bless the relationship to be healthy. The devil attacks wedded couples, so we know he dominates those outside of marriage. This relationship may have been doom from the beginning because of this mistake. However, now is the perfect time to clean it up, if it's really worth it. Christian counseling. If you are going to pay for counseling, be sure that whom ever it is, is based inside a bible based church that has a strong focus on the family values. You may want to try evening traveling on a flight to get to one, depending on your location. Also, get your hands on the book, the power of the praying husband, and get her to read the power of the virtuous woman. I suggest that you sit and discuss these types of books together, not judging each others opinion. Learn to pray together for your friendship together, first, once that is healed then pray for your romanctic relationship, but keep it in this order. Lakewood Church in Texas has great counseling, World Changers in Atlanta, Faith Christian in Detroit. Continue to pray for your heart to be healed on a daily basis, this will help you to keep a clear head. May God be with you in you journey.
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4/13/2006 10:40 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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Thank you all that are responding to this, it really helps me out. The reason why we were engaged for so long was due to her already being married to a man that physically abused her. It took her a long time to find him after they seperated. Everytime we do speak on the phone, I can hear it in her voice that she is not happy with this other man. But her reason for continuing the marriage is because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
4/18/2006 01:53 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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Ok, my ex- came home to visit her family this week and came by to see how my mother was doing since her stroke last summer. This was the most awkward moment for the both of us. My instinct were to hug and kiss her like I use to, but I had to catch myself and remember that she is married. Right now she is in MN for the week and she has been emailing me saying that she still wants us to be together. All I can do is tell her that the ball is in her court, she has to make it happen. I can only try to be patient and see what happens.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
6/20/2006 23:24 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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Well, it looks like I lost out on a possible happy life with a woman that I am very deeply in love with. I finally had to tell her that she has to stop contacting me if she is going to try to make this marriage to this other man work. I am a man that is not ashamed to say that I have cried over this. I really can not give my heart to any other woman, the way I have to her. The other night I ended up yelling at her, asking her to stop hurting my feelings like this. She still insists that I am her only true love and that she only loves him in a special way. She also said that she do not want to get married for a 3rd time. Well I guess good guys do finish last. Hopefully I can keep my stress level down and try to get my life back to normal as much as possible.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
7/8/2006 06:19 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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Well, since my last post on this subject, I thought that there might be some good news by the end of last year. Basically, we still kept in touch by phone, email and text. She came back home for her daughter's grad ceremonies from college, she stayed with me the whole week. We talked, cried, laughed, and made love numerous times. The first night at my place she told me to my face that she knew she made a mistake by marrying this guy and that planned on coming back to me. I cried when she told me this, then she wiped the tears from my eyes and told me not to worry anymore, we will be back together by the end of this year. She even repeated the same thing to my mother ad one of my close friends. After she returned back to Las Vegas she went back in the opposite direction again. Now, he had a house built in Atlanta for her, they moved down there last week. When I tried to talk to her, just to see how see is doing, she just told me that it was best for her not to talk to me anymore then hung up. I emailed her to ask why she would come back home and lie to me like this, all she could do is say that she married him already and feels that she needs to honor the marriage, since this was done in God's eyes. She also stated that she told him this past weekend that we were together. She said that he cried, asked her why, prayed, called her a name, then told her that God will take care of them. She told him that she would give him a divorce, if he wanted it. WTF???!!!! I do not understand how this could happen.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
2/3/2007 14:20 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Intrepid_One
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You have put your time, efforts, and a part of your life into her. Created good and bad memories! Now get on with our life...with another woman!
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To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly...Henri Bergson
3/20/2007 14:22 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
TheRealDeal4Sho'
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Wow! I so hope you NEVER speak with this female again. I'm new on this board, but not new to life matters. When I read your first post concerning being engaged for five years and COHABITATING, I didn't think the situation would end favorable.

This female has committed ADULTERY as if nothing happened. and that's a bit much. Isn't there consequences to deal with on both sides?

I think you should be grateful she's out of your life and you should be the one to hang up on her WHEN she calls back because she will and she'll probably use an excuse regarding a family member to contact you.

Females like this cause are emotionally unstable; they creare TURMOIL and cause DESTRUCTION wherever they are. I apologize, but it sound like the only LOYALTY she has is to herself. Move on PLEASE - you deserve way better!
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1/19/2008 21:56 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
blackman357
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ecjr,

Man I can't believe she pulled that line about she needed a man's point of view/ What are you? Chopped Liver! That is crazy to me there needs to be communication between the two of you. What needs to happen is simple if she can have guy friends than you can have female friends. There should be no double standard there. If she can't get with the program then kick her to the curve.
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7/21/2008 18:55 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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It's been a while since I've read or posted any messages on here, but I want to thank all of you for your opinions and advice. Even though she still contacts me every so often; I am just not going down that road again with her. From what she has told me, she has divorced her husband and is suppose to be living in another state. I just let it in one ear and out the other now, because I finally thought about all of the time I have invested and wasted dealing with her. I guess what goes around comes around.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
3/26/2010 09:43 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Giftedbrother
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It's been a while since I've read or posted any messages on here, but I want to thank all of you for your opinions and advice. Even though she still contacts me every so often; I am just not going down that road again with her. From what she has told me, she has divorced her husband and is suppose to be living in another state. I just let it in one ear and out the other now, because I finally thought about all of the time I have invested and wasted dealing with her. I guess what goes around comes around.

Here is my thought on this situation. It needed not happen at all.
When I read this story I can clearly see that she played on your emotion and you allowed her to. Man I married this girl when I was 18 and we were divorced my 19th birthday she still tried for years to get back at me. I wasn't having it.
-Mayo Angelo says." When a person shows you who they are, believe them!" That is exactly what I did. I loved this girl with my very being but I wasn't getting the samething back. I realized quickly that life was to precious to be allowing someone else to be messing it up for me.

I am saying this to say, Love again, keep looking for your soul mate she is out there out man. Trust me I have been broken, even shattered but time heals broken hearts. I am now Married to my soulmate it will be three years in Sept. True love is real you just gotta be confident in who you are and allow your swagger to shine through and you'll find her!
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4/5/2010 13:06 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
ecjr23
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It's been a while since I posted this, but I finally got her out of my system. Although she still text me and calls anonymously whenever things aren't work out between her and her husband. I just ignore the calls and delete the messages without reading them.

I just decided to let God handle this and guide me through. I am less stressed, can concentrate on my work more, and can even speak to other women without feeling like I am doing something wrong.
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ECJR23

If I could have convinced more slaves that they were slaves, I could have freed thousands more. - Harriet Tubman
8/17/2010 11:32 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
precious000
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I was in a relationship with a married man for nine years. We were very close and we shared a lot of things together. He would keep me posted as to what was going on in his home, his job and his family. I knew everything. I traveled with him when his job took him out of town. Our sex was so deep. He could be himself around me and I could do the same with him. I was 13 years older than him and we got along so good. Right after we broke things off, his wife found out about us. She told him, that she always knew he was cheating, but just did not say anything. I find that very poor taste on her part. If she takes him back, she is giving him the red light to do it again and again. What would you do in this relationship? Would you divorce him or would you forgive him and continue with the marriage.
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mas1230
9/10/2010 10:31 Link - Ip: Logged - Quote:
Forum Start > Relationships > Couples And Marriage > Need some solid advice
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