Online Magazine For Black Men

I'm Desperate To Get My Girl Back



A heart-wrenching question from a man who is seeking to retain his relationship. We've all been there, but how do you deal with it?

Question from Chris:


My brotha...

I come to you a broken man and I am clueless as to what to do.

My girl and I started having issues about 4 months ago and now we've broken up. We were together for 1 year. Her main argument was that I was always working and never spent time with her. She also complained that I didn't understand her aspirations or support her goals, and that we didn't have as much in common as she initially thought. After we spent our first 2 months together, she told me that her sister and mother "got a bad vibe about me" (whatever that means).

But I feel like I have been so true to this woman. Every moment I get while at work, I take time to call and see how she's doing. If I don't have time to talk, I leave a text-message. I didn't slack off on the romantics either and still brought flowers on occasion. I even took a cash advance from my credit card (which topped it out) and paid for her last semester at school.

I sometimes work 6 days a week in 12-hour shifts, so I know I could do better on the time thing. But I have to work and I thought she understood that. About a month ago, I finally had to break down and tell her the reason I was working so many hours. I've been trying to save money for a house, and for a wedding. But it's almost like she wasn't phased by that.

She came to my apartment three weeks ago and told me that she's unfulfilled, and that we should separate. She mentioned school and her dreams of becoming a biologist, and said that she needed more support from someone who cares. She then tells me that she thinks we need time and space to figure out where we're going.

I've tried calling her a bunch of times, but she doesn't answer. I sent a text-message and she answered it two days later saying she's been busy with school and didn't have time to talk. But a buddy told me he's seen her at a local club twice in the past two weekends.

People keep telling me to just leave her alone and if it's meant to work, she'll come back. But I feel like I have to let her know how sincere I am. I'm starting to lose focus at my job and the stress is really getting to me. I feel so sad these days and I'm not sure what else to do.

Just wondering if you have any words of wisdom on how I can win her back?

-- Heartbroken Chris


The Brothas Response:


Okay Chris... time for some hard lessons.

First -- we're sorry about your breakup and the heartache you're experiencing. We've all been there and know how tough it can be. But you have to do something for us: try to stop stressing about it, and quit chasing this chick.

Those are some rough words, but we're not here to hold your hand. Our job is to straighten you up, and to help you realize your self-worth as an intelligent, successful man who doesn't need to be torn down by an unappreciative woman.

From what you've said, it's sounds like you put forth a quality effort to maintain your relationship when you two were together. You were a hard worker who was intent on making a home for the future; you often made phone calls to let her know you were thinking about her; you tried to spend time with her when you weren't on the job; and you even helped her in a financial situation. If she's too dense to recognize a strong, dedicated brotha -- then you're better off letting her follow the beat of her own drum.

We're not saying things are completely finished between you two, but the ball is in her court. She's the one that has to make a decision about the future of your relationship. You've done all you can do.

Now this next statement will sound like we're losing our minds, but one thing you absolutely cannot do when a woman walks away, is chase her.

We repeat ... do not chase her.

Just stop doing it.

Stop calling her. Stop sending her emails and text messages. Stop asking her friends about her. Stop creating "convenient" occasions to run into her. Stop doing anything that pays her any attention.

Period.

Your endless pursuits will not magically convince her to come back to the relationship and the torture you're putting yourself through isn't worth it.

Right now... you have relinquished WAY too much control by showing her that you're desperate. She knows you want her and will take her sweet time making a decision. She knows you're willing to wait on pins and needles while she hangs out and enjoys herself. In fact -- she's probably been doing more than just going to clubs while you sit home with a broken heart.

But what she does in her own time doesn't matter right now. What does matter -- is how you handle yourself from this point on. We know you can't keep your mind from wandering and thinking about her -- but that's as far as it goes. Any and all other actions related to her must cease.

Whether you're the type of person who needs to talk or not, speaking with someone about your feelings can be therapeutic. Talk to other men who have been through similar situations. Also, consider talking with female friends to gather a different perspective on the matter.

After a while, she'll wonder why she's no longer important enough for you to chase her. If she's an attention freak ... (and it sounds like she is), she'll find it puzzling that you've gotten over her so quickly. Eventually, she will reach the point of self-discovery and realize that she walked away from a really good man.

We can't predict the future Chris, so we don't know how your situation will play out. But we do know that things will get better and as a result -- you will get better.

We're willing to bet the farm on that.

Signed,

The Brothas

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