Online Magazine For Black Men

Should I Let A Jealous Woman Go?



A common relationship question about love, jealousy and how to deal with it.

Question from Trevan:


Peace, my brothas ...

I've been dating a woman for about 6 months and I didn't realize until now how jealous she can be. She gets upset when I eat lunch with female co-workers, even if other men are there. If I'm 10 minutes late for one of our dates, she assumes I've been with on the phone with another woman.

One time, I was on the phone with another woman -- my cousin, and she still got upset! She doesn't go off the deep end, but I can tell she's really irritated when a situation comes up.

Is she acting this way because of my personality and the women I know? Is her jealousy a sign for me to get out of Dodge?

-- Trevan


The Brothas Response:


There are a number of reasons why your girlfriend may be jealous, but it is unlikely that those reasons have anything to do with you. Her jealous tendencies probably existed long before meeting you. Since your relationship is becoming more involved, you're probably just now finding out about it.

The Brothas believe it to be beneficial for both parties when you reveal as much information as possible in the beginning of a relationship. It's during this "getting to know you phase", where you learn about personality traits, idiosyncrasies, and hang ups you might not want to deal with later.

However, jealousy can be difficult to detect at the start. If you're just meeting a lady, it's unlikely that she will have a negative response to your rants about other women. You may not receive this type of reaction from her until she feels closer to you. When she starts to believe you're committed, her definitions of being a couple and the boundaries involved will start to take shape.

Jealousy is human emotion we all experience at some point or another, and it can take on varying degrees of severity. Innocent jealousy would be a non-chalant reaction to you drooling over a photo of a supermodel. Not really a big deal and most women would have some sort of natural reaction to this.

Obsessive jealousy is an explosive reaction to anything involving another female -- no matter how innocent it may be. This is the type of jealousy where she may question your loyalty to her and through rage, use some form of verbal abuse or violence against you or someone else.

It is likely that she reached this point from past experiences. Being cheated on, being emotionally torn down, or being involved with men who could not be trusted, are all highly possible. But she's with you now and her behaviors are a part of your relationship.

Her self-esteem is what ultimately creates jealous reactions. She may feel that she's not as attractive as other women, or that you desire other women more. She could also feel that she isn't worthy of being in a successful long-term relationship.

Remember, her jealousy goes back farther than you. Spend some time communicating with her about her feelings towards your female friends and relatives. If possible, try to keep contact with the opposite sex to a minimum.

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