Online Magazine For Black Men

My Girlfriend Won't Give Oral Sex

If you've never had a woman who wouldn't give oral sex, the experience can be interesting.

Question from Howard:

Hello brothas, this is Howard from Missouri...

I'd thought we moved past this sort of thing with a "new age" of women, but I was a bit surprised to find out that my girlfriend of 3 months won't give oral sex. The first few times we had sex, I thought she was just uncomfortable. But after speaking with her the other day, she admitted that she doesn't like going down on men and refuses to do it.

Now ... I never have a problem giving her oral sex and I don't know why she can't do the same for me. She never touches my penis, and doesn't even come close to brushing up against it! It's like she only wants to have sex as long as she stays "clean".

When I pressed further for information, she stated that she thinks giving men oral sex is nasty, and doing it doesn't appeal to her. She also said that sex shouldn't be uncomfortable and if she did it just because I wanted it, she would be uncomfortable.

Brothas ... please tell me she'll eventually CHANGE her mind over time???

-- Unsatisfied Howard

The Brothas Response:

Dear Howard,

It doesn't sound like your new girlfriend is very interested in giving pleasure to your penis. There may be several reasons for this including fear, past sexual abuse, or just plain inexperience. No matter the reason, you have to decide whether or not you can deal -- since it's possible that she will never change.

Let's consider a few things:

  • First, it is not good practice to use sexual favors as bargaining tools. If you go down on her, do it because you enjoy it!
  • Not all women are the same. Just because past lovers may have thought of your penis as a lunchtime snack -- it doesn't mean other women will. Even if you tell her that it's a sexual need, she's still not likely to enjoy it. Typically when people do not enjoy doing something, they either become lazy about doing it, or quit doing it completely.
  • Many men and women view oral sex as a perverted act. Any touching of sexual organs by the mouth or tongue is considered off-limits, or immoral. This view may be based on traditional or religious beliefs, and can often create some level of mental and/or physical discomfort for the person in question.
Keep in mind that pressuring your girlfriend will not lead to anything productive. It's understandable that you are frustrated when you have sexual desires you want to experience. However, if you lead her to believe that your feelings towards her are diminished because she doesn't give oral sex, it could elicit a cold response in the bedroom.

Many couples experience some form of sexual incompatibility, but this can change over the course of a relationship. Perhaps both of you can explore other ways for her to pleasure you. Also think about how critical receiving oral sex is to your satisfaction and whether it's something you could do without.

As bad as it may sound, you also have to consider the fact that she may never wish to engage in oral sex. It is then up to you to decide if receiving oral sex is important enough for you to remain in the relationship.


The Brothas

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