Online Magazine For Black Men

All Out of Love

Love can be complicated and unfortunately -- it's not always beautiful.

Question from Jerry:

I think I have fallen out of love with my wife. It's not something that happened overnight, but I don't feel any chemistry anymore and I don't know what to do. We don't spend as much time together as we used to and seem to be in our own separate worlds. We had our struggles in the past, but worked through them. She has actually become a better wife over the years, so maybe I'm getting tired of the same? Do people fall out of love?

I don't want to ruin a marriage and disrupt the lives of our kids, but I don't want to drag on a relationship when the love is gone.

-- Jerry

The Brothas Response:

Some people believe that falling out of love is the exact opposite of falling in love. Both take time, thought, and require a lot of emotional energy. Furthermore -- falling out of love with your wife is likely an issue within you, not a reflection of her.

The process of falling out of love takes time, so there must be something in your heart and mind that has changed over the years. You didn't mention speaking to your wife about your feelings and you should make the effort to do that. As difficult as it may be, you need to let her know that something has changed. Then, you need to ask yourself: "Do I want my loving wife and marriage back -- or has the lack of chemistry caused irreparable damage?"

Take a long, hard look at your relationship to see why the chemistry is no longer there. Evaluate your own emotional state to determine whether or not there is something more than just a lack of chemistry. Think about your level of confidence, self-worth, and contentment. Also think about what you will lose or gain by severing your marriage and family ties.

Then ask yourself these questions: Have we outgrown each other? Are there any lingering feelings of anger or resentment from the past? Does this relationship lessen who I am as a person? What changes have occurred in me over the past years?

If you have made these self-evaluations and still feel the love has dissipated -- consider speaking with a professional marriage counselor. Listed below is contact information you can use to find professional services in your area.

It can be difficult to know when the love has left a marriage. It does happen, but we want to make sure you're making the right decision.

More importantly -- talk with your wife. Don't leave her in the dark.

National Association of Social Workers, Inc. (NASW)
(Provides referrals to social workers & services)
(202) 408-8600

Help Starts Here
(Find licensed social workers in your area)

American Psychological Association (APA)
(Offers a directory for referrals to psychological services)
(800) 374-2721 / (202) 336-5500
TTY: (800) 374-2721 (x6123)


The Brothas

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