The Dark Side of Shacking Up
By Tiffany Williams-Jallow

(Mybrotha.COM) - The subject of couples living together before marriage sparks up controversy still today. In the past, couples were looked at in shame for even thinking about what is now called "shacking up." With more and more couples choosing to engage in living together before being joined in holy matrimony, there is the question of whether living together before marriage is really that bad. To some it seems like a good idea. Why commit yourself to someone for the rest of your life without seeing firsthand how compatible you two are in a household setting? With the decline of religion in America, it is no surprise that playing house has become common place. Since people move farther from tradition and feel more entitled to instant gratification, shacking up has become a real epidemic. Let’s address three important questions:

1. Are couples who cohabitate before marriage more likely to be unfaithful?
2. Are couples that cohabitate more satisfied in their relationships than those who are married?
3. Are couples that shack up better off financially than those who are married?
   This was a recent topic on my TV show, Relationships360°; which airs four times a week in the Kansas City metro area. It can also be viewed on the show’s blog, www.relationships360blog.com and YouTube.

For the episode titled "Cohabitation and Marriage," I talked to Ed Fenn, a licensed counselor, who specializes in married and unmarried couples. His 30 years of experience leads him to believe those who get married before living together are at a huge advantage over those who do not.

On the show, he referenced an American Sociological Review study, which supported the hypothesis that married women are in a better financial situation than those cohabitating. Why you might ask, Mr. Fenn explains.

According to the research, unmarried women who live with their boyfriend’s make more money. Do not let this fool you; there is a dark side. The males in the equation usually make far less than the female partner they live with. A lot of the time these men do not even have jobs. In turn, the women in these relationships tend to want to support their boyfriend’s financially while also putting some money away in case they call it quits. Overall, women who are shacking up have less financial stability in the future.

It is easy to think that if two people sleep under the same roof they are more likely to be faithful. However, the research begs to differ. Since couples that are not married have a less structured commitment. it’s easier for them to sort of chain cohabitate; which leads to a pattern of mildly committed relationships. Research finds that married couples are more faithful to each other. According to Mr. Fenn cohabitation is a "receiving relationship" which is one that is selfish in nature and asks, "What can I get out of this arrangement," while marriage is a "giving relationship" where focus is put on how one partner can help the other so they can live a happy life.

Mr. Fenn even delved deeper into which type of relationship breeds more satisfaction in the bedroom. It was discovered that married couples win this round too. Many studies like the one in the Journal of Marriage and Family printed in February of 2000, found that there was less infidelity in marriages opposed to non married relationships. Unmarried couples tend to be less satisfied in the bedroom and this leads to a greater amount of unfaithfulness.

Additional dark sides of shacking up correlated to sex include a greater risk of sexually transmitted diseases, a higher risk of giving birth to an unhealthy baby due to poor health conditions attributed to drug and alcohol use, and abortions are more prevalent among couples who get pregnant out of wedlock. The September 2000 edition of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior and May 1998 issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family, answered the question of why unmarried couples are plagued with the issues mentioned above. Physical and psychological health problems, like depression arise from the discontent felt in the relationship. For more information on these issues, it would be best to look at the research Mr. Fenn and I drew from while gathering information for my show.

At www.relationships360blog.com, there are a number of links to additional reliable sources you can use to learn more about this subject. This article is meant to inform both married and non married couples. For those who are cohabitating and do not plan on getting hitched there is something you may want to consider. A Living Together Agreement is a document used to protect the financial assets and personal property of each cohabiting partner. This document grants non married couples benefits comparable to those who are married. I have placed a link to more information about this document on my blog. Lastly, statistics say couples, who live together before marriage, have a higher rate of divorce than those who had never lived together before getting married. Here are five tips I want to share with you about how to enhance your chances of having a long lasting marriage after cohabitation:

1. Take your time and seriously evaluate whether it is the right decision to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
2. Be clear, upfront, and reasonable about your expectations.
3. Don’t get married in hopes that it will change your cohabitating partner.
4. Write and sign a living together agreement to help clarify your expectations and define how you’ll handle finances and property. (Check out the book ‘Living Together: A Legal Guide For Unmarried Couples." The first reader to comment on this article and sign up for my email list will receive a free copy from yours truly.)
5. Take a couple’s education class. (There are links to many great resources on my blog. You’ll especially want to check out the Retreats and Seminars link.)

In closing, regardless of my personal beliefs, my desire for all couples - married and unmarried - is to pursue positive and effective ways to cultivate healthy, long-term relationships.

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