Should I Get Married?

By Mybrotha.COM Relationship Editor

Question from Gino:

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"So I recently read a news article about a U.S. Census and Pew Research Center report that said over the long haul, the marriage rate for 18-29 year olds in America has fallen from 59 percent in 1960 to 20 percent today. When I see all of my friends getting divorced, or not even pursuing marriage, I wonder if it’s worth it.

Do you guys think I should even attempt to get married?"

-- Gino

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The Brothas Response:

Some would argue that your question, and how it was asked, is part of the problem with marriage in the U.S. today. This isn't a direct knock on you Gino--we've heard other black men ask the same question. But you used the word "attempt" as if you're merely testing the marriage waters. It's easy to get a divorce these days and most men enter married life knowing that divorce is an option if things don't work out.

Words like "attempt" and "try" are usually associated with someone who has a pessimistic view of marriage; or someone unsure of who he is and what he wants. For a moment, forget about the statistics and all of those unsuccessful marriages you've seen. You are not them and if you know thyself, a marriage will work. The same folks who argue that your question carries a defeatist's attitude believe that if you truly know who you are, and what you want in a woman, then a marriage becomes your lifestyle—not an attempt.

Those who oppose this "attempt" mindset believe that you travel a dangerous path towards destruction when you speak about love and marriage as if they are goals. If love is a goal, how do you know you’ve reached it? Once you love someone, can you not love them any more than you do right now? Similarly, if a successful marriage is the goal, how do you know when to declare it successful? After 10 years, 25 years, or 50 years?

Think about it this way: the reason dieting doesn’t work long-term is because it is an attempt to modify what you eat. What really works, however, is a change in lifestyle that involves eating healthy and having an exercising routine. Words like "lifestyle" and "routine" denote consistency and have nothing to do with reaching a goal.

The Brothas feel that a man should only pursue marriage when he is certain that he's found the love of his life, and knows himself well enough to be secure in his relationship. Relationships can be tough and we have to remember that no one and no bond is perfect. If you don't think you can stay committed to one woman, don't get married. If you're with the wrong woman, don't get married. There's nothing wrong with a man who chooses not the single life, but you have to recognize that about yourself, and not subject a woman to your inconsistencies.

If you feel like marriage is for you, don't think of it as a goal to accomplish--think of it as a lifestyle where you and your wife are enjoying the journey.

Signed,