Relationships » Here's Why Black Women Should Stop Complaining About the Male/Female Ratio
Here's Why Black Women Should Stop Complaining About the Male/Female Ratio
We've been hearing a lot of chatter lately about the disproportionate number of black men available to black women for dating, long-term relationships, and marriage. Walk along the streets of Atlanta or Washington D.C., and you'll hear sistas vehemently denouncing the stats. Both cities have approximately 1.2% more females than males, and both are ranked in the top ten of America's most populous cities. Even in less populated regions where women between ages 25 - 42 outnumber men by 0.8% or less, black women protest just as much.
They aren't complaining about a lack of quality men; many women apparently think the quality factor has been diminished for quite some time. Instead, women are grousing over the far-fetched notion that to couple themselves with a man of good character, they must reluctantly bend the rules of social etiquette and actually approach some of these brothas.
Yep. And as you might expect, there is a huge problem with the word "approach." Most women--no matter how much they desire to be in a committed relationship--refuse to make the first move. Initiating contact is a direct violation of how women see themselves entering a relationship. Everything about it goes against the grain, and it overlooks the unspoken social and psychological rules every woman follows. Women would rather wait for the right man to come along--a process many are finding to be painstakingly slow.
For women who sincerely yearn to live their lives blissfully intertwined with a significant other, it may be time to ask themselves a very important question--"If love and marriage is the end goal, should social traditions, fear and unspoken rules really matter?"
For as long as humanity has existed, the sumptuous jewels of the greatest treasure on earth (the female body) have been sought by men. Whether those men were heavy-handed rulers during the early days of Christianity, or blue-collar construction workers in south Chicago, throughout history we have fought over it, paid for it, cried about it, and even killed to get it.
Today, we are seeing a small shift in the playing field. Men--in some localities--are in the minority and since we don't typically feel rushed by a biological clock, many guys are taking their sweet time to choose a mate. Women aren't too thrilled about these slow-moving tactics and some have decided to make their own moves and speed up the process. Their processes involve taking certain steps to gain a man's attention and these efforts are well worth it when the man being sought is a man of quality.
Women have enjoyed being the most beautiful, prized possessions for centuries. This is still true and will be for the forseeable future. But we now live in an era where social norms are being slowly eroded by a more liberal, less rigid populace. Technological advances offer men unlimited connectivity to education, people and information. Never has it been so easy for men to locate and select the types of women they desire for dating and love.
For the women being sought, they simply need to put their best foot forward. Those feet can be in stilettos or sneakers, but they should be attached to a woman who is not afraid to show her availability by letting a man know she's interested.
Being Cute Used to Matter
Being born with a vagina and a cute face was typically all that was required to attract, get and keep a man. This has always been true for the average guy, but it doesn't carry much weight with the virtuous, relationship-minded guys women say they want. Mature, intelligent men appreciate a sexy body, but they appreciate a sexy woman of substance even more.
Besides that, sexy bodies aren't difficult to find these days. Take a look around the clubs, lounges and even your local Target Superstore. Women are not shy about wearing clothes, shoes and accessories that accentuate their assets. Whether it's a 22 year old college student, or a 47 year old refined beauty, both women may be very attractive when viewed through the bulging eyeballs of men. So why would a man choose you over the 10 gazillion other gorgeous women out there?
The man you want is looking for substance and you're going to need more than cuteness to make it happen.
The Stereotypical Mess
You know that weird, erroneous stereotype that hangs over the heads of men who marry women with higher salaries? The notion is that they are "kept" men, or men who are financially unable, or incapable of matching, or surpassing the pay grades of their wives. While there are still salary disparities between men and women for the same job positions, the chances of a man finding an independent, successful
woman with a higher salary are much greater these days. Men don't usually search for women making tons of money, but confident men are not intimidated by a salary, nor will their egos be stifled into believing that money alone is needed to lead in a relationship.
Another misconceived categorization casts a shadow over women who make the initial move and reach out to men for companionship. Society sees it as desperation, loneliness, or over-aggressiveness. Women may feel uncomfortable being labeled as such, especially if they see it as gender role reversal, which can make most of us feel awkward. Men are sometimes taken aback when a woman initiates contact, but self-assured men respect the assertiveness and see it as a sign of strength and fearlessness--both of which are qualities men desire in a wife.
Tradition tells men to be bread-winners, while it encourages women to wait for the right man to approach. But these unspoken rules are not set in stone. Even more important, there is a big difference between being a bread-winner and a leader, just as there is a big difference between being an initiator and a pursuer.
Well-Rounded Ass or Well-Rounded Life?
Believe it or not, men are no different than women when it comes to balance. We want a unique combination of beauty, intelligence, companionship, and fun. For most men, the voluptuous and curvaceous body is the initial attraction, but for those quality guys we've been talking about, it won't be the most important asset. Relationship-minded men want a little bit of everything in a woman and women should never make the mistake of thinking that beauty alone will suffice.
Here's a great question for women: Would you rather a quality man choose you because he thinks you're physically beautiful, or because he thinks you're a phenomenal, well-balanced woman?
Many women will answer--"Both please."
So, Women Should Now Chase Men?
Even though the female-to-male ratio in cities like Atlanta is pleasantly in favor of men, it doesn't mean women should become chasers. It simply means that competition among women is greater. Most men don't expect women to be aggressive hunters who desperately seek them out. However, it is incumbent upon women to let men know when and if they are available, and to a certain extent, interested.
One of the biggest social-psychological challenges for a woman who steps outside of her comfort zone is the notion that she?s not being chased, but instead, has become the chaser. This can be an emotional turn-off--even if she gets the man. The entire idea contradicts what most women are taught, and women feel uncomfortable following suit. It is much more stimulating, both emotionally and sexually, for a woman to be pursued by a man who expresses interest through his actions.
With that said, women shouldn't chase--at least not in the traditional sense. When she's interested, a woman can make a flirtatious, respectable approach to let a man know she?s available. Women have to accept the fact that they outnumber men by the thousands and waiting to be chosen can take a lifetime. A woman can be physically beautiful, but she can also be a woman of substance who encompasses compassion, trust, loyalty, happiness, responsibility, and balance.
The Jerks Are Playing the Game
Are there men out there who take advantage of the ratio imbalance and expect women to pursue them? Yes, but those are men whose over-inflated egos often create instability in relationships.
In cities where the female-to-male ratio is high, men know there's an imbalance, and some see it as a paradise where sexy women are part of a never-ending buffet. These guys reek of vanity, selfishness and possess an inflated sense of self-worth. This is being driven by the poorly constructed belief that they are now highly desirable because of a male shortage. These men are not serious about long-term commitment or marriage, but will actively engage in short-term, casual encounters if women allow it.
The good news is that women can make an unyielding effort to weed out these types of men. Not because it's a woman?s responsibility. Rather, these guys won't die off at sunrise, so you have to do something to protect yourself. The math is pretty simple: if he?s not talking to you, spending time with you, and not available to you, then he?s probably not into you. Men are really good at showing you a great time for a while (probably no more than a few months), but even the most charismatic man will fail to maintain the facade when he's not into you.
There are hundreds of thousands of women available to men. Sadly for us guys, we can't chase all of you. But women shouldn't feel discouraged by the stats. If you know--without a doubt--that you're a woman of substance and believe you possess that unmistakable mix of beauty and being well-rounded, then never be afraid to make it known to a man you believe possesses the same qualities.